I Got Nothing

What do you say when you feel you have nothing to say?

That’s the question I’ve asked myself for the last several months, and why I haven’t posted anything on this blog for so long.

Forgive me.

It’s not that my life has been uneventful. A lot has happened. Within the last few months all adult children and grandchildren have settled within driving distance, a privilege that hasn’t been mine in a decade. What a joy! Also, in January, my beloved father-in-law died just shy of his 98th birthday. What a combination of grief and peace! Last fall I became a full-time professor of English at Truett McConnell University. What a privilege! All of these events have provoked thoughts and prayers, but I didn’t feel compelled to share any of it with my readers. I don’t know why.

In my first blog installment back in 2012, I admitted that this effort, this blog, was primarily for me. My catharsis. My relief. Sounds selfish, I know, but now I realize how essential it is to my emotional and spiritual health. I’m going to use it as an outlet again. Selfish or not, here goes.

I miss the new.

Yeah. After four years of being in a “new” season, the new has started to wear off. I don’t look at my life the same way I did in the beginning. The magnificent view of our surrounding mountain vista doesn’t make my heart skip a beat anymore. In fact, I hardly even see it now. The amazement I once had for the privilege of teaching college students my passion for writing is giving way to the daunting tasks of preparing lectures and grading tests and essays. I used to ride through our beautiful little town and get that warm, homey feeling. Now I take a less scenic back way to school to save a couple of minutes. I don’t appreciate the peaceful hamlet in which I live. The joy I once felt in the writing process is waning—maybe because I’m paying more attention to the writing mechanics I’m teaching my students. You know, sentence fragments—misplaced modifiers—active voice. Before I write anything these days, I have to make sure it’s perfect–grammatical. And when I do that, I’m sometimes tearing the heart out of whatever I have to say. So, I haven’t “said” anything for a long time.

Is that where the wonder went? In everyday tasks and familiarity? Is the adage “Familiarity breeds contempt” actually true?

Though I know that my joy is not defined by feelings, I also know that my lack of sensitivity to God’s fresh revelations can lead me into a desolate wilderness. And I’ve been there before…and I’m headed there again.

One of my favorite singers, Cynthia Clawson, recorded a song written by Gordon Jensen many years ago. I used to try to sing it myself but I never did it justice. However, the lyric has come back to me afresh. It has become my daily prayer. Here are the lyrics, in part…

I can still remember, the wonderful feeling, back when I first got to know You                                                         It seemed the world was mine, I had joy, I had springtime                                                                             But that’s all just a memory anymore

I guess I took my eyes off  You, Lord, but I don’t want this callous feeling anymore
Oh, please bring back the way it was before

Bring back the new again, I want to see You again
Bring back the way it was, when we began
How did I miss the road? When did I lose the glow?
And where did the wonder go? Bring back the new again.

©1980 New Spring   (Admin. by Brentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc.)

P.S. I just walked through my back door and the sweet “new house” smell hit me for the first time in a while.  That’s a start, right?



6 thoughts on “I Got Nothing

  1. Sandy

    I have missed you and your chasing Bimini!
    I always sent them to Tim to read and he really enjoyed them also.
    So glad you are near the boys and there families now, I”m sure Dennis is liking that also. So sorry to hear about Dennis dad. I guess they needed a new preacher in Heaven!Please give yourself a hug from me.
    Much Love. Sandy

  2. Bobby

    Glad your blog is back!
    Mom asked me a couple of weeks ago, if you had stopped writing your blog. I know she will be glad you’re back also!

  3. Jerry Rankin

    Thank you for opening another part of your heart. It is good to share some of the inner thoughts with you. We rejoice with you in some of the new fresh times that you have been given and are so happy for what you are getting to experience at this time of your life. We will continue to lift you up in prayer and are happy for you.

  4. Joy Smith

    I needed this Nan, this morning! Since the sudden death of my daughter almost 3 years ago, the lyrics to Cynthia Clawson’s song rang true to me. I have a hard time wanting to get up in the morning, but I do and when I do, I stand and look out our bedroom window and tell the Good Lord how thankful I am to Him for another day! Your name crossed my mind the other day as to where you were on your blog! The other day Kirk called me from the SBCMC and he had Dennis and Dave with him and Dennis was so kind to yell hello Joy Smith, made me feel special! For me I know that I don’t fit in with the clicks of the music arena and their groups, I know I don’t have the “mindset” of a musician, and because of that I don’t hear much about people like yourself and Dennis or Dave and know what you are up too, what God is doing in your life or how you are going about giving God ALL the glory! Maybe it isn’t meant for me to know all of that but enjoyable none the less. Anyway, your blog was needed today and WELCOME BACK! Joy


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