4. From Dennis’ Life is but a Blink#4 RELATIONSHIPS 

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No road is long with good company.

Turkish Proverb

I’d like to start this section in reverse order.  Rather than starting with comments about how to have a good relationship, let’s begin when relationships go sour.   Ideally we want to all get along in life with no problems, but life is not always ideal.  And perhaps even the original reason for the problem can get obscured, but still you know something is wrong.  Even worse, things can go from the incident, to feeling hurt, to anger.

“For every minute that you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hate being angry with someone.  How I choose to handle that feeling is where things get even tougher.  Thankfully, I have had very few times where a face-to-face encounter was the needed solution to the problem.  And I wish I could claim great success in these encounters—I cannot.  The problem with anger is that often you say words you wish you could stuff back into your mouth.

“Be mindful when it comes to your words.

A string of some that don’t mean much to you,

may stick with someone else for a lifetime.”

Rachel Wolchin

I guess the majority of my encounters with “being treated unfairly” transitioned more into resentment, or perhaps a grudge.  And most of the time there was never an actual encounter, so guess who was the loser?  Me.  A face-to-face was often never an opportunity—I just felt like “ya done me wrong.”  I’m guessing there were times when the “offender” didn’t even realize that they had offended me. 

I just held my grudge, feeling sorry for myself.

So, how do you move on?  Ugh—my ego-centric nature (“it’s all about me”) doesn’t want to hear this next part.  Choose to forgive the one who has offended you.  When you do this, you remove the control and power that this offending person, and the offending situation, has had in your life.

“That old law about ‘an eye for an eye’ leaves everybody blind.

The time is always right to do the right thing.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

But wait—I was wrongly treated, justice was not done, I didn’t get to have my say in the matter.  Ok, I get it, I get it.  And perhaps you will never have a “solution.”  So, are you going to let this fester?  Are you going to spend days, into months, into years of resentment?  Once again—who is the loser?

Peter and Jesus discussed this matter in Matthew 18.  You probably know the story.  Peter was suggesting forgiveness on a human level—limited.  Jesus said that our forgiveness of others who have hurt us should be unlimited.   Paul’s letter to the Colossians echoes the same thought in Col. 3:13: “Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges.  Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” (Living Bible translation)

“I’ve learned….that being kind is more important than being right.”

Andy Rooney

Yes, it’s not all about me in this life.

I mentioned earlier that I am an ordained minister.  I have had the joy of serving people in local church music ministry for many years.  As I look back at those years, it was not the songs I led in congregational worship each Sunday, or the big choir musicals and productions that really mattered.   It was the people. 

“Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.” 

Albert Einstein

Sure, sometimes I’ll hear from a former church member who will mention a choir trip, or a musical production from the past.  But mostly when I hear from a former church member it is something far “smaller.”  “I remember the time you came to the hospital to see me,” or “you said a word of encouragement to me in a tough time.”  A simple note or text of concern, a phone call to a troubled family, a time of simply talking to someone who needs to pour out his or her heart. 

So, when did I ever think I would “retire” from doing those things?  How foolish I am sometimes!  With no question in my mind, that is part of what God has for me in these days ahead.  That is indeed what being an ordained minister means.   Actually, it is what being a Christian means. 

Yes, perhaps I am not as busy writing musicals, etc. as in years past.   But maybe I can do something much more important.  I can still minister, I can still offer comfort, and I can still reach out to someone who needs a touch.  I can wake up each day, not thinking “Lord, I hope someone asks me to arrange some music today,” but rather “Lord, I am yours and I know there are people all around me who need a touch from You.  Please use me.” 

“We make a living by what we get.

We make a life by what we give.”

Winston Churchill

We actually don’t know the complete story about Churchill’s religious beliefs, so the context of this quote could’ve simply been referring to money.  But I think it can apply to our faith as well.  Our life is best defined by how we give, interact, care, and invest in other people — not by our income or accolades.  

Nan and I have been writers of church music projects for over 40 years.  We have been honored to receive numerous Dove Awards for our works, and have even received a Lifetime Achievement award for “significant achievement in the field of Church Music.”  We are deeply humbled and thankful for these awards, and appreciate the publishers and other organizations that have given them to us.

However, the awards that mean even more are simple comments from people.  These often refer to something we “gave” not to something we “got.”  It was important that our work through the years earned us enough income to support our family—it was even more important that our work ministered to people. 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said,

 people will forget what you did,

but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Maya Angelou

So, how do we develop strong relationships with others?  Some key words might be empathy—being sensitive and understanding towards another.  Also, there is communication—spending time, connecting, interacting with others.  Then, there is commitment—being loyal, attentive to someone.  Finally, one of your best traits should be love—warmth, caring, kindness, unselfish towards all.

But wait, having that kind of relationship with people takes a lot of time!  Yes, it does.  But do you know some self-absorbed people?  And do you also know some giving, helpful, others-focused people?   With which one do you most often want to spend time?  Look back at your years on this planet so far—how would your relationships to others be described?

With this harsh world we live in, it’s kind of unique to see someone showing warmth and kindness, isn’t it?  Rather than sitting around, thinking of ourselves first, complaining about “how bad things are,” perhaps we should be the ones to lead by example.  

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak,

but their echoes are truly endless.”

Mother Teresa